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Bill Hicks's Quotes


  I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I dont think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Let me tell you about gays in the military. I dont want any gay people hanging around me while I am killing kids. I just dont want to see it.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour, which means, like flying saucers, I too have been appearing in small Southern towns in front of handfuls of hilbillies lately and, uh, been doubting my own existence.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it is not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks - you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Dont put pot in the drug category. It is an herb, man. Like tea. Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory... That'd be a nice world. Mellow, hungry, quiet, fucked up people everywhere.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns - whoo! I am gettin' a stiffy! 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone... OK, though admittedly last year in England they had 23,000 deaths per soccer game.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I cant watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding fucking proposals... and the first thought that enters my mind is, 'And I am not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  To me, pornography is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. That's pornographic to me.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  What's cool is every pack has a different Surgeon General's warning. Isn't that great? Mine say: 'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.' Fuck it! Ha ha ha! Found my brand. Just dont get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Remember summer vacation with your folks? Does anybody get the concept behind that? We did not get along together in a five-bedroom house. Dad's idea was to put all of us in a car - and drive through the desert at the hottest time of the year. Pffft! Good call Dad! Let's confront our tensions!  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  My dad: 'Bill, do you have to say the F-word in your act, son? Bob Hope doesnt need to use the F-word in his act.' 'Yeah, well, dad, guess what. Bob Hope doesnt play the shit-holes I play, all right? You put him in some of these joints, he'll have Emmanuel Lewis and Phyllis Diller 69ing as his closer - just to get out of there alive!'  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of those non-smokers.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  They say if you stop smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, why would I want my sense of smell back?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? And you know what doctors say? 'Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you.' It is you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man: oxygen tent, iron lung.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  People often ask me where I stand politically. It is not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it is that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you cant make a profit off it, would it?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people dont get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  People say the dumbest things, too: 'Hey, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell back.' I live in New York City. I dont want my fucking sense of smell back.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day.' Yeah, looks like he rushed it.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I deal only in facts, that's why I am a cocky fucking bastard.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I am not what you'd call a heavy smoker. I only get through two lighters a day.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I am glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, 'My God! I love everything.' Yeah. Now, if that isn't a hazard to our country... how are we gonna keep when we realize that we're all one?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  People say, 'Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world.' Yeah, well, maybe, but, you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? And you know what doctors say? 'Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you.' It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man: oxygen tent, iron lung.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Don't put pot in the drug category. It's an herb, man. Like tea. Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory... That'd be a nice world. Mellow, hungry, quiet, fucked up people everywhere.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  They say if you stop smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, why would I want my sense of smell back?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding fucking proposals... and the first thought that enters my mind is, 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  They say if you stop smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, why would I want my sense of smell back?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of those non-smokers.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Remember summer vacation with your folks? Does anybody get the concept behind that? We did not get along together in a five-bedroom house. Dad's idea was to put all of us in a car - and drive through the desert at the hottest time of the year. Pffft! Good call Dad! Let's confront our tensions!  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.  
 -  Bill Hicks