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Bob Hope's Quotes


  It is so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I dont feel 80. In fact, I dont feel anything until noon, then it is time for my nap.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he is really pissed off.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesnt know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He is always had an agent do that.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage he shot both his parents and moved in.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  It is nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  If you watch a game, it is fun. If you play it, it is recreation. If you work at it, it is golf.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Oscar night at my house is known as Passover.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned how to dance - waiting for the bathroom.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Phyllis Diller has a laugh like an old Chevrolet starting up on a below-freezing morning.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Where would I like my ashes scattered? I dont know. Surprise me.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an intermission.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  It is hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you're putting.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I am so old they've cancelled my blood type.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I have been chased by women before but never while I was awake.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  He rules the country with an iron fist - the same way he plays the piano.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Failure is the only thing I have ever been a success at.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I dont like all this fresh air. I am from Los Angeles. I dont trust any air I cant see.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn't want to move into a smaller house.  
 -  Bob Hope, on running for President of the United States
  

  You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I don't feel 80. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an intermission.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I don't like all this fresh air. I'm from Los Angeles. I don't trust any air I can't see.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.  
 -  Bob Hope