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Bob Monkhouse's Quotes


  When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, 'Tell me straight, Doc, how long do I have?' He said, 'Ten...' I said, 'Ten what? Years, months, weeks?' He said, '9, 8, 7...'  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy because your best prospects never answered.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you've got VD, in which case penicillin's probably a better bet.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it is a shame I am going to miss mine by just a few days.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Personally, I dont think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  What do gardeners do when they retire?  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian... well, they're not laughing now.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I am not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  My doctor once said to me, 'Do you think I am here for the good of your health?'  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  The Royal Shakespeare Company once did Julius Caesar in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' and she said, Well, she is been up on the roof two weeks already.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries.'  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  No one watched it, not even the cameramen.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse, about his first TV appearance
  

  When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy because your best prospects never answered.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you've got VD, in which case penicillin's probably a better bet.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, 'Tell me straight, Doc, how long do I have?' He said, 'Ten...' I said, 'Ten what? Years, months, weeks?' He said, '9, 8, 7...'  
 -  Bob Monkhouse