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Mark Twain's Quotes


  Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are right.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you dont read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis- informed.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little by way of example.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  God created war so that Americans would learn geography.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In India, 'cold weather' is merely a phrase to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he cant afford it, and when he can.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I like a thin book because it will steady a table; a leather volume because it will strop a razor; and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The exercise of an extraordinary gift is the supremest pleasure in life.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments dont care, individuals do.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him and only waiting.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Do good when you can, and charge when you think they will stand it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he is crooked.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  No woman or man really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it is never happened yet.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In a good book room you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  You cant depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  April 1 is the day upon which we are reminded what we are on the other 364.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There's nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When I was younger, I could remember everything, whether it had happened or not.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so. It is the sickening grammar they use.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The person who has had a bull by the tail once has learned 60 or 70 times as much as a person who hasn't.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  An ecstasy is a thing that will not go into words; it feels like music.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In writing plays the chief thing is novelty. The world grows tired of solid forms in all the arts.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Between me and Rudyard Kipling, we cover all knowledge. He knows all that can be known, and I know the rest.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting with the first one.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had taken out an international copyright on it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Few of us can stand prosperity - another man's I mean.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others - and less trouble.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  At 50 a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are people who can do all fine and heroic things except one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If smoking is not permitted in Heaven, I won't go.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Necessity is the mother of taking chances.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  You cant depend on your judgement when your imagination is out of focus.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Drag your thoughts away from your troubles - by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. It is the healthiest thing a body can do.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you tell the truth you dont have to remember anything.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Virtue has never been as respectable as money.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A historian who would convey the truth has got to lie.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I can live for two months on a good compliment.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I went to dinner, which was served in a small private room of the club with the usual piano and fiddlers present to make conversation difficult and comfort impossible.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The kingly office is entitled to no respect. It was originally procured by the highwayman's methods; it remains a perpetuated crime, can never be anything but the symbol of a crime.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing - I used to be a good boy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth - ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I never could tell a lie that anyone would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Temperate temperance is best.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  All say, 'How hard it is that we have to die' - a strange complaint from the mouths of people who have had to live.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I dont mind what the opposition say of me so long as they dont tell the truth about me.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A natural death is where you die without the aid of a doctor.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We believe that out of the public school grows the greatness of a nation.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are a thousand excuses for failure but never a good reason.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If books are not good company, where will I find it?  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The average man is profoundly ignorant of countries that lie remote from his own.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Most people cannot bear sitting in church for an hour on a Sunday. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for an eternity?  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Damn these human beings; if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If a man doesnt believe as we do, we say he ia a crank, and that settles it. I mean it does nowadays, because now we cant burn him.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is a talent by itself to pay compliments gracefully and have them ring true. It is an art in itself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Always obey your parents, when they are present. This is the best policy in the long run, because if you dont they will make you.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office-holders.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In God We Trust. I dont believe it would sound any better if it were true.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There ain't no way to find out why a snorer cant hear himself snore.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn't.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the onlooking world consent to it is a finer.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Dont part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Where every man has a vote, brutal laws are impossible.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In the matter of diet I have been persistently strict in sticking to the things which didn't agree with me until one or the other of us got the best of it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To lead a life of undiscovered sin! That is true joy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Tom Sawyer is simply a hymn put into prose form to give it a worldly air.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Whatever a man's age may be, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his buttonhole.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Do right and you will be conspiciuous.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My axiom is, to succeed in business: avoid my example.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  He had arrived at the point where presently the illusions would cease and he would have entered upon the realities of life, and God help the man that has arrived at that point.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you fired by an anger impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We begin to swear before we can talk.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Religion had its share in the changes of civilization and national character, of course. What share? The lion's.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To be good is to be noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Pessimist: the optimist who didn't arrive.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A nation is only an individual multiplied.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  What then is the true gospel of consistency? Change.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted above the sons of men.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is better to support schools than jails.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It seems to me that just in the ratio that our newspapers increase, our morals decay.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The only way to keep your health is to eat what you dont want, drink what you dont like, and do what you'd druther not.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The lack of money is the root of all evil.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The Christian Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same; but the medical practice changes.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Some people lie when they tell the truth. I tell the truth lying.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To my mind, that literature is best and most enduring which is characterized by a noble simplicity.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have seen all the foreign countries I want to see except heaven and hell, and I have only a vague curiosity as concerns one of those.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Necessity is the mother of 'taking chances.'  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A classic - something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  An honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Make it a point to do something every day that you dont want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The church is always trying to get other people to reform. It might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little by way of example.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anyone.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To be busy is man's only happiness.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If any man has just merciful and kindly instincts he would be a gentleman, for he would need nothing else in the world.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  War - a wanton waste of projectiles.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah didn't miss the boat.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Two or three centuries from now it will be recognized that all the competent killers are Christians; then the pagan world will go to school to the Christian - not to acquire his religion, but his guns.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are written laws - they perish. But there are also unwritten laws - they are eternal.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine. But everyone drinks water.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Whatever a man's age may be, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his buttonhole.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so. It's the sickening grammar they use.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I like a thin book because it will steady a table; a leather volume because it will stop a razor; and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  What then is the true gospel of consistency? Change.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you have nothing to say, say nothing.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We believe that out of the public school grows the greatness of a nation.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I went to dinner, which was served in a small private room of the club with the usual piano and fiddlers present to make conversation difficult and comfort impossible.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I like a thin book because it will steady a table; a leather volume because it will strop a razor; and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There's nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In India, 'cold weather' is merely a phrase to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To be busy is man's only happiness.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Between me and Rudyard Kipling, we cover all knowledge. He knows all that can be known, and I know the rest.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The lack of money is the root of all evil.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Pessimist: The optimist who didn't arrive.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  An honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little by way of example.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Religion had its share in the changes of civilization and national character, of course. What share? The lion's.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Virtue has never been as respectable as money.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  War - a wanton waste of projectiles.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you fired by an anger impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  April 1 is the day upon which we are reminded what we are on the other 364.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  We ought never do wrong when people are looking.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  But when the time comes that a man has had his dinner, then the true man comes to the surface.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I went to dinner, which was served in a small private room of the club with the usual piano and fiddlers present to make conversation difficult and comfort impossible.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A natural death is where you die without the aid of a doctor.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are a thousand excuses for failure but never a good reason.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If any man has just merciful and kindly instincts he would be a gentleman, for he would need nothing else in the world.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The exercise of an extraordinary gift is the supremest pleasure in life.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted above the sons of men.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  God created war so that Americans would learn geography.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are written laws - they perish. But there are also unwritten laws - they are eternal.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Where every man has a vote, brutal laws are impossible.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  An ecstasy is a thing that will not go into words; it feels like music.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Wagner's music is better than it sounds.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Pessimist: the optimist who didn't arrive.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The exercise of an extraordinary gift is the supremest pleasure in life.   
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In his private heart no man much respects himself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting with the first one.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There's nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is a talent by itself to pay compliments gracefully and have them ring true. It's an art in itself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In India, 'cold weather' is merely a phrase to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine. But everyone drinks water.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To do good is noble. To tell others to do good is even nobler and much less trouble.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Do your duty today and repent tomorrow  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Necessity is the mother of 'taking chances'  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Death is the starlit strip between the companionship of yesterday and the reunion of tomorrow.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Death, the refuge, the solace, the best and kindliest and most prized friend and benefactor of the erring, the forsaken, the old and weary and broken of heart.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The rain is famous for falling on the just and unjust alike, but if I had the management of such affairs I would rain softly and sweetly on the just, but if I caught a sample of the unjust out doors I would drown him.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you may kick it about all day, like a football, and it will be round and full at evening.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Golf is a good walk spoiled.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy must have somebody to divide it with.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  History doesn't repeat itself - at best it sometimes rhymes  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  A man may have no bad habits and have worse  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Obscurity and competence: That is the life that is worth living.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is often the case that a man who cant tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are lies, damned lies and statistics.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The miracle, or the power, that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application, and perseverance under the prompting of a brave, determined spirit.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  When you are in politics you are in a wasp's nest with a short shirt-tail, as the saying is.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  He is now rising from affluence to poverty.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There are a thousand excuses for failure, but never a good reason.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Don't let schooling interfere with your education.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I've never let my school interfere with my education.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I have found out there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.  
 -  Mark Twain