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Woody Allen's Quotes


  In Beverly Hills they dont throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it is the government.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Show business is dog-eat-dog. It is worse than that. It is dog-doesnt-return-other-dog's-phone-calls.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Eighty percent of success is showing up.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Life doesnt imitate art, it imitates bad television.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Dont knock masturbation. It is sex with someone I love.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I dont want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I just cant listen to any more Wagner, you know, I am starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In my house I am the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I contemplated suicide again. This time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I dont think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and woman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  To you, I am an atheist. To God, I am the loyal opposition.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It is our own hearts and minds.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Eternity is really long, especially near the end.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In my next life I want to live my life backwards - you start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I dont know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I have never been an intellectual but I have this look.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I cant with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It is like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I have loved the city my whole life - to me, it is like a great woman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I can levitate birds. No one cares.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If it turns out that there is a God... the worst that you can say about him is that basically he is an underachiever.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I hate reality but it is still the best place to get a good steak.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it is pretty damn good.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Some men are heterosexual and some men are homosexual, and some men dont think about sex at all. They become lawyers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am not afraid of death; I just dont want to be there when it happens.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it is hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  It is better to be rich than poor if only for financial reasons.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  It is worse than dog eats dog. It is dog doesnt return dog's phone calls.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If you're not failing now and again, it is a sign you're playing it safe.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid on my carpet.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  94.5 per cent of all statistics are made up.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  How to make God laugh: tell him your future plans.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am not the heroic type. I was beaten up by quakers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I failed to make the chess team because of my height.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it is all over much too soon.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am an only child. I have one sister.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It is about Russia.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it is done right.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by quakers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  See that critic? He used to hate every movie. Then he married a young, big-bosomed woman, and now he loves every movie.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In real life, Diane Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturdaynight.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Money is better than poverty - if only for financial reasons.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  It's better to be rich than poor if only for financial reasons.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  How to make God laugh: tell him your future plans.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Show business is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than that. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's- phone-calls.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I don't want to live on in my work. I want to live on in my apartment.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Some men are heterosexual and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I can't listen to too much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and woman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I failed to make the chess team because of my height.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Marriage is the death of hope.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In order to experience everyday spirituality, we need to remember that we are spiritual beings spending some time in a human body.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again - and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.  
 -  Woody Allen