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Alcohol's Quotes


  Whiskey when you're sick makes you well. Whiskey makes you sick when you're well.  
 -  Irish proverb
  

  Where wine goes in, modesty goes out.  
 -  German proverb
  

  Drunkenness and anger speak truthfully.  
 -  Irish proverb
  

  First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.  
 -  Japanese proverb
  

  Wine renews the passion of lovers, and the hatred of enemies.  
 -  Jewish proverb
  

  If you drink you die, if you don't drink you die, so it is better to drink.  
 -  Russian proverb
  

  He who does not risk, will never drink champagne.  
 -  Russian proverb
  

  What is on a drunken man's lips is on a sober man's mind.  
 -  Danish proverb
  

  A cask of wine will work more miracles than a church full of saints.  
 -  Italian proverb
  

  There is more friendship in a half pint of whiskey than in a churn of buttermilk.  
 -  Irish proverb
  

  Wine sets an edge to wit.  
 -  English proverb
  

  They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst.  
 -  Scottish Proverb
  

  Choose your company before you go drinking.  
 -  Irish proverb
  

  You're not drunk as long as you can hold on to a blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.  
 -  Irish proverb
  

  Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  
 -  Alex Levine
  

  Conversation is the enemy of good wine and food.  
 -  Alfred Hitchcock
  

  An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor.  
 -  Alvan L. Barach
  

  I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.  
 -  Anon
  

  It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.  
 -  Anon
  

  In Hollywood, people think you're an alcoholic if you have a second drink.  
 -  Ben Chaplin
  

  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.  
 -  Benjamin Franklin
  

  Drunkenness is temporary suicide: The happiness it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness.  
 -  Bertrand Russell
  

  There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.  
 -  Bette Davis
  

  Is the glass half full or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring or drinking.  
 -  Bill Cosby
  

  A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an all-time dumb person.  
 -  Bill Cosby
  

  Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.  
 -  Bob Marley
  

  If you want to know where God is, ask a drunk.  
 -  Charles Bukowski
  

  An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.  
 -  Charles Darwin
  

  A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.  
 -  Charlie Chaplin
  

  Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.  
 -  Compton Mackenzie
  

  American beer is served cold so you can tell it from urine.  
 -  David Moulton
  

  I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.  
 -  Dean Martin
  

  You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.  
 -  Dean Martin
  

  Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.  
 -  Denis Leary
  

  An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.  
 -  Dylan Thomas
  

  He's such a connoisseur. He not only knows what year the wine was made but he can tell you who stamped out the grapes.  
 -  Edith Gwynn
  

  Under the pressure of the cares and sorrows of our mortal condition, men have at all times, and in all countries, called in some physical aid to their moral consolations - wine, beer, opium, brandy, or tobacco.  
 -  Edmund Burke
  

  I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, 'I don't know. Reelection to the Senate?'  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  Never accept a drink from a urologist.  
 -  Erma Bombeck
  

  I drink to make other people more interesting.  
 -  Ernest Hemingway
  

  Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  
 -  Ernest Hemingway
  

  Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.  
 -  F. Scott Fitzgerald
  

  Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.  
 -  Finlay Peter Dunne
  

  Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.  
 -  Frank Sinatra
  

  I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.  
 -  Frank Sinatra
  

  You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.  
 -  Frank Zappa
  

  A sober man may become a drunkard through being a coward. A brave man may become a coward through being a drunkard.  
 -  G. K. Chesterton
  

  Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.  
 -  G. K. Chesterton
  

  Wine is sunlight, held together by water.  
 -  Galileo Galilei
  

  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Happiness? A good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman. Or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: 'Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.'  
 -  George Carlin
  

  The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful and a snootful at the same time?  
 -  Gerald R. Ford
  

  Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  The whole world is about three drinks behind.  
 -  Humphrey Bogart
  

  Wine is sunlight, held together by water.  
 -  Galileo Galilei
  

  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Happiness? A good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman. Or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: 'Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.'  
 -  George Carlin
  

  The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful and a snootful at the same time?  
 -  Gerald R. Ford
  

  Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  The whole world is about three drinks behind.  
 -  Humphrey Bogart
  

  Burgundy makes you think silly things; Bordeaux makes you talk about them; and Champagne makes you do them.  
 -  Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
  

  When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.  
 -  Jimmy Breslin
  

  Champagne! I love it. It tastes like your foot's asleep.  
 -  Joan Davis
  

  Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, 'I'm thirsty, not dirty.'  
 -  Joe E. Lewis
  

  I never trust a man that doesn't drink.  
 -  John Wayne
  

  Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you're hungry.  
 -  Johnny Carson
  

  Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift... The hangover comes the day after.  
 -  Joyce Brothers
  

  I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I'm cooking.  
 -  Julia Child
  

  I had a horrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I drank the world's largest margarita, and when I woke up this morning, there was salt on the toilet lid. Thank God I didn't eat the worm in there.  
 -  Larry the Cable Guy
  

  A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.  
 -  Louis Pasteur
  

  Wine is the most healthful and most hygienic of beverages.  
 -  Louis Pasteur
  

  Drink is more a disease than a vice.  
 -  Mahatma Gandhi
  

  The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.  
 -  Mary Pettibone Poole
  

  The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.  
 -  Mignon McLaughlin
  

  One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.  
 -  Nancy Astor
  

  Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.  
 -  Ogden Nash
  

  I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.  
 -  Oscar Levant
  

  After the first glass of absinthe, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see them as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  Work is the curse of the drinking classes.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.  
 -  Ovid
  

  There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled.  
 -  Ovid
  

  This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.  
 -  P. J. O'Rourke
  

  You know you're an alcoholic when you misplace things... like a decade.  
 -  Paul Williams
  

  Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.  
 -  Paulo Coelho
  

  I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.  
 -  Phil Harris
  

  If you ever know a man who tries to drown his sorrows, kindly inform him his sorrows know how to swim.  
 -  Pittacus Lore
  

  Boys should abstain from all use of wine until after their eighteenth year, for it is wrong to add fire to fire.  
 -  Plato
  

  How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?  
 -  Prince Philip, to a driving instructor in Scotland
  

  That's all drugs and alcohol do, they cut off your emotions in the end.  
 -  Ringo Starr
  

  Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.  
 -  Robert A. Heinlein
  

  Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?  
 -  Robert Benchley, The Major and the Minor, 1942
  

  Wine is bottled poetry.  
 -  Robert Louis Stevenson
  

  I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whiskey. I am always drunk but I can see for miles.  
 -  Roy Chubby Brown
  

  What shall we drink to? About four in the morning.  
 -  Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin
  

  There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man, by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern.  
 -  Samuel Johnson
  

  This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.  
 -  Samuel Johnson
  

  All I can say is that I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me.  
 -  Sir Winston Churchill
  

  Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.  
 -  Socrates
  

  Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.  
 -  Steve Martin
  

  They say we're 98 percent water. That means if you drink one glass of water, you're in grave danger of drowning.  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  Beer. Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1863.  
 -  T-shirt slogan
  

  There are better things in life than alcohol, but it makes up for not having them.  
 -  Terry Pratchett
  

  Happiness can be bought with a bottle of wine and has become ambiguous through overuse.  
 -  Tim Ferriss
  

  Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.  
 -  Unknown
  

  If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?  
 -  Unknown
  

  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.  
 -  Unknown
  

  The alcohol goes in, the truth comes out.  
 -  Unknown
  

  There are only three things in life a girl needs: Love to make her week. Alcohol to make her strong. Best friends when both make her hit the floor.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Mom says 'Alcohol is your enemy'... Jesus says 'Love your enemy.'  
 -  Unknown
  

  They say so many people die because of alcohol. Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?  
 -  Unknown
  

  Sorry sweetie, but no. Alcohol is't an excuse for being a dirty slut. Nice try though.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  Put a good tax on beer and that would take care of the unemployment fund.  
 -  Will Rogers
  

  The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.  
 -  William Butler Yeats
  

  Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use of any other drug with special horror.  
 -  William S. Burroughs
  

  Drink provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.  
 -  William Shakespeare, Macbeth
  

  Vodka is for Russians what therapy is for Americans: habit-forming and it destroys your ability to live a normal life.  
 -  Yakov Smirnoff