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Dating's Quotes

  Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax- deductible.  
 -  Andy Warhol

  If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?  
 -  Anon

  A woman says to a man, 'I haven't seen you around here.' 'Yes,' he says, 'I just got out of jail for killing my wife.' 'So you're single...'  
 -  Bernard Manning

  Brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see-through blouse.  
 -  Bobby Vinton

  I don't understand the whole dating thing. I know right off the bat if I'm interested in someone, and I don't want them to waste their money on me and take me out to eat if I know I'm not interested in that person.  
 -  Britney Spears

  The advantages of dating younger men is that on them everything, like hair and teeth, is in the right place as opposed to being on the bedside table or bathroom floor.  
 -  Candace Bushnell

  My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me for a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and music. No wonder you're still a virgin.  
 -  Cheryl Frasier, Karen Krantz

  I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.  
 -  Dave Attell

  When going away for the weekend with a man, the woman has her hair cut, her bikini waxed, borrows a skirt from her best friend, buys new top, dyes her eyelashes, diets, fills fifteen small plastic containers with lotion, tries on all her clothes, irons them, packs something sexy. The man wonders if his wellies are in the car.  
 -  Deborah McKinlay

  If he hasn't called you in about three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he's not in an emergency room moaning your name.  
 -  Diane Conway

  I asked this girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said, 'Then go out with him.'  
 -  Dom Irrera

  You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start grating on your nerves. Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious!  
 -  Ellen DeGeneres

  I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't open the car door. I just swam to the surface.  
 -  Emo Philips

  You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... Damn anthropologists.  
 -  Emo Philips

  When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer - He's not interested. There's not ever any other answer.  
 -  Fran Lebowitz

  I saw her giving me the once over. Yes, she looked once and it was all over.  
 -  Frasier Crane, Roz Doyle

  I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.  
 -  Gary Shandling

  A woman waits motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw

  I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity.  
 -  Gracie Hart

  I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.  
 -  Gary Shandling

  A woman waits motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw

  I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity.  
 -  Gracie Hart

  Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They all already have boyfriends.  
 -  Jane Caron

  Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and they only eat salads.  
 -  Jennifer Fairbanks

  To keep a man you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit myself.  
 -  Jerry Hall

  What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked at the end of it.  
 -  Jerry Seinfeld

  Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times until it goes over.  
 -  Jerry Seinfeld

  I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'  
 -  Joan Rivers

  No man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.  
 -  Joan Rivers

  Natural childbirth classes are a great place to meet chicks, if you're into the fuller figure. And you can be reasonably sure these girls put out.  
 -  Jonathan Katz

  Two out of five Irish women prefer alcohol to sex and it's just my luck to have gone out with both of them.  
 -  Joseph O'Connor

  I think... therefore I'm single.  
 -  Liz Winston

  Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out from what.  
 -  Mae West

  I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to copy their CDs.  
 -  Margaret Smith

  People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is a bad idea. Four capuccinos later, your date does not look any better.  
 -  Margot Black

  I was dating this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts, 'I wanna know your name.'  
 -  Mike Binder

  A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows.  
 -  Monica Piper

  There are two types of risk in life: the danger of trying and danger of not trying. That is to say, there is always risk, no matter how you may try to avoid it or protect yourself. Let's say you are interested in dating someone. It's a gamble just to call and ask the person out. You might be turned down. But what if you don't try? After all, this wonderful person might say yes.  
 -  Nick Vujicic

  When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?  
 -  Rita Rudner

  When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was 'Always.'  
 -  Rita Rudner

  A good place to meet a man is the dry cleaner's. These men usually have jobs and bathe.  
 -  Rita Rudner

  If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.  
 -  Rita Rudner

  Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield

  I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tyres.  
 -  Roz Doyle, Frazier

  I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, 'Oh, I guess I'll have champagne.' I said, 'Guess again.'  
 -  Slappy White

  I'm not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them.  
 -  Steve Martin

  I prefer young girls. Their stories are shorter.  
 -  Thomas McGuane

  Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...  
 -  Unknown

  Most guys date girls because of their looks. True guys would look beyond it, and date girls because of their personality.  
 -  Unknown

  That awkward moment when you're trying to get over someone you were never dating.  
 -  Unknown

  Everyone has that one ex they don't want the world to know they dated.  
 -  Unknown

  The day he moved out was terrible - that evening she went through hell. His absence wasn't a problem but the corkscrew had gone as well.  
 -  Wendy Cope

  I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  
 -  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  The only place men want depth in a woman is in her decolletage.  
 -  Zsa Zsa Gabor