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Doctor's Quotes


  The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease.  
 -  French proverb
  

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  
 -  English proverb
  

  A good laugh and long sleep are the two best cures in the doctor's book.  
 -  Irish proverb
  

  Don't take every ill to the doctor, or every quarrel to the lawyer, or every thirst to the tavern.  
 -  Uruguayan proverb
  

  A doctor and farmer know more than a doctor alone.  
 -  German proverb
  

  Only a doctor can kill you without punishment.  
 -  Hungarian proverb
  

  The doctor who rides in a chair will not visit the house of the poor.  
 -  Chinese proverb
  

  Many doctors - death accomplished.  
 -  Czech proverb
  

  Death defies the doctor.  
 -  Scottish proverb
  

  Eat leeks in March, garlic in May, all the rest of the year the doctors may play.  
 -  English proverb
  

  Don't let yourself be operated upon by a doctor with a shaking hand.  
 -  Mexican proverb
  

  Nature is better than a middling doctor.  
 -  Proverb
  

  If the doctor cures, the sun sees it; but if he kills, the earth hides it  
 -  Proverb
  

  Words are doctors for the diseased temper.  
 -  Aeschylus
  

  An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor.  
 -  Alvan L. Barach
  

  Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.  
 -  Ann Landers
  

  The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.  
 -  Anton Chekhov
  

  He's a fool that makes a doctor his heir.  
 -  Benjamin Franklin
  

  Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? And you know what doctors say? 'Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you.' It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man: oxygen tent, iron lung.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, 'Tell me straight, Doc, how long do I have?' He said, 'Ten...' I said, 'Ten what? Years, months, weeks?' He said, '9, 8, 7...'  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  A lot of people are running off to a doctor, getting Valium or Prozac or whatever, for their anxiety. What they should be dealing with is the cause of the anxiety, which is fear. And that is an emotional state caused by doubt or worry. Understand this - you get rid of it by facing it!  
 -  Bob Proctor
  

  People don't actually die of natural 'causes.' It's just something doctors use because there's only so many times you can say, 'Chuck Norris did it again' in one day.  
 -  Chuck Norris jokes
  

  Every fighter that ever lived had fear. A boy comes to me and tells me that he's not afraid, if I believed him I'd say he's a liar or there's something wrong with him. I'd send him to a doctor to find out what the hell's the matter with him, because this is not a normal reaction. The fighter that's gone into the ring and hasn't experienced fear is either a liar or a psychopath.  
 -  Cus D'Amato
  

  Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.  
 -  David Letterman
  

  The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, 'Soon you'll be able to have sex.' I said, 'I've heard that for years.'  
 -  David Letterman
  

  Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?  
 -  David Letterman
  

  In high school, Frank (Sinatra) never participated in extracurricular activities, like nature study, paintings or ceramics. Frank's hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur gynecologist.  
 -  Dean Martin
  

  My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.  
 -  Douglas Adams
  

  It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.  
 -  Dylan Moran
  

  Practice self-sufficiency. Don't remain a dependent, malleable patient: Become your own soul's doctor.  
 -  Epictetus
  

  Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.  
 -  Erma Bombeck
  

  I'm not unmindful of a man's seeming need for faith; I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniels. But to me religion is a deeply personal thing in which man and God go it alone together, without the witch doctor in the middle.  
 -  Frank Sinatra
  

  If 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away,' maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away.  
 -  Gary Chapman
  

  If I'd taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.  
 -  George Burns
  

  I'm not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A man goes to a psychiatrist. 'Nobody listens to me!' The doctor says, 'Next!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? 'I was ironing, and the phone rang!' 'What about the other ear?' 'Had to call the doctor!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A doctor says to a man, 'You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.' Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, 'How is your love life since you have been running?' 'I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says, 'Limp!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  If 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away,' maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away.  
 -  Gary Chapman
  

  If I'd taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.  
 -  George Burns
  

  I'm not feeling too well. I need a doctor immediately. Quick, call the nearest golf course.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A man goes to a psychiatrist. 'Nobody listens to me!' The doctor says, 'Next!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? 'I was ironing, and the phone rang!' 'What about the other ear?' 'Had to call the doctor!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A doctor says to a man, 'You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.' Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, 'How is your love life since you have been running?' 'I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says, 'Limp!'  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.  
 -  Isaac Asimov
  

  The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  The human capacity to fight back will always astonish doctors and philosophers. It seems, indeed, that there are no circumstances so bad and no obstacles so big that man cannot conquer them.  
 -  Jean Tetreau
  

  When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, 'Will she live?' He said: 'Only if you take your foot off her throat!'  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He have her a lobotomy.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.  
 -  Johnny Carson
  

  Americans are people who laugh at African witch doctors and spend 100 million dollars on fake diets.  
 -  L. L. Levinson
  

  Do not listen to a fat doctor who smokes telling you what it takes to be healthy.  
 -  Larry Winget
  

  Old joke: A guy goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, it hurts when I do this.' And the doctor says, 'Then don't do that!' That's the key to 'getting a life.' Stop doing the things that hurt you.  
 -  Larry Winget
  

  The Westerners go to see a doctor only when they are sick, and do not see him when they are well.  
 -  Lin Yutang
  

  Disease increases in proportion to the increase in the number of doctors in a place.  
 -  Mahatma Gandhi
  

  A natural death is where you die without the aid of a doctor.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already.  
 -  Milton Berle
  

  Laugh at the world. Most important, laugh at yourself. If laughter could be dispensed at your favorite drugstore, your family doctor would have you taking some every day. It's a much better way to live.  
 -  Og Mandino
  

  My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.  
 -  Orson Welles
  

  There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?  
 -  Phyllis Diller
  

  When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anaesthetic.  
 -  Phyllis Diller
  

  I thought I had PMS, but my doctor said, 'I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, you don't have PMS. The bad news is, you're a bitch.'  
 -  Rhonda Bates
  

  When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, 'Look, twins!'  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He said, 'Were a brown tie.'  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  I said to my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking I'm a dog.' He told me to get off his couch.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  The federal government has no right to treat all Americans as criminals by spying on their relationship with their doctors, employers, or bankers.  
 -  Ron Paul
  

  We must all educate ourselves to the reality of the horrors taking place. Doctors today know that unborn children can feel a touch within the womb and that they respond to pain.  
 -  Ronald Reagan
  

  My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.  
 -  Ronnie Shakes
  

  One thought-murder a day keeps the psychiatrist away.  
 -  Saul Bellow
  

  The doctor should be opaque to his patients, and like a mirror, should show them nothing but what is shown to him.  
 -  Sigmund Freud
  

  I needed to get a strange mole checked out, but when I went to my doctor's surgery, the first available appointment with the specialist was in six months. I said, 'By that time I could be dead.' And the receptionist said, 'If that happens, be sure to cancel your appointment.'  
 -  Stephanie Shiern
  

  First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.  
 -  Steve Martin
  

  The doctor of the future will give no medication, but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, diet and in the cause and prevention of disease.  
 -  Thomas A. Edison
  

  I went to the doctor the other day. I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man says, 'Doc, what can you give me?' The doctor says, 'A hard-boiled egg.'  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.  
 -  Unknown
  

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit...  
 -  Unknown
  

  A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctors book.  
 -  Unknown
  

  At the eye doctor...Doctor: Please read the lowest line you can. Me: Made in China.  
 -  Unknown
  

  The health insurance doctor has refused to renew my health policy. The nefarious quack claims he found urine in my whiskey.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know.  
 -  Will Rogers