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Funny's Quotes


  No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, remember that approximately one billion Chinese people couldn't care less.  
 -  Abraham Lazlo
  

  When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.  
 -  Abraham Lincoln
  

  An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.  
 -  Agatha Christie
  

  You can get a lot farther with a kind word and a gun than a kind word alone.  
 -  Al Capone
  

  The Chinese just put a man in space. They didn't use a rocket: They stood on each other's shoulders and passed him up.  
 -  Al Murray
  

  After washing twelve pairs of feet, the crucifixion must have been a pushover.  
 -  Alan Bennett
  

  Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.  
 -  Albert Einstein
  

  Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.  
 -  Aldous Huxley
  

  To his dog, every man is Napoleon - hence the constant popularity of dogs.  
 -  Aldous Huxley
  

  It is no accident that an anagram of 'actors' is 'scrota'.  
 -  Alfred Hitchcock
  

  When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?' I say, 'Your salary.'  
 -  Alfred Hitchcock
  

  Lottery, n. A tax on people who are bad at math.  
 -  Ambrose Bierce
  

  Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.  
 -  Ambrose Bierce
  

  Advice, n. The smallest current coin.  
 -  Ambrose Bierce
  

  Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.  
 -  Ambrose Bierce
  

  Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic... speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'  
 -  Andy Rooney
  

  Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.  
 -  Ann Landers
  

  Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another check-out line.  
 -  Ann Landers
  

  I love Thanksgiving turkey. It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.  
 -  Arnold Schwarzenegger
  

  I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian and we're very sceptical.  
 -  Arthur C. Clarke
  

  I don't believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarian and we're very sceptical.  
 -  Arthur C. Clarke
  

  The difference between machines and human beings is that human beings can be reproduced by unskilled labor.  
 -  Arthur C. Clarke
  

  I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I have never had time for tobacco since.  
 -  Arturo Toscanini
  

  Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.  
 -  Ashleigh Brilliant
  

  I'm half-Irish, half-Dutch and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog - I'd be in a hell of a mess!  
 -  Audrey Hepburn
  

  I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.  
 -  August Strindberg
  

  In Arizona we have so little water that the trees chase the dogs.  
 -  Barry Goldwater
  

  Mr. Speaker, I withdraw my statement that half the cabinet are asses - half the cabinet are not asses.  
 -  Benjamin Disraeli
  

  It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.  
 -  Bertrand Russell
  

  Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.  
 -  Bertrand Russell
  

  Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.  
 -  Betsy Salkind
  

  She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.  
 -  Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford
  

  I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.  
 -  Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford
  

  But enough of me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?  
 -  Bette Midler
  

  I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection! Either way we're screwed!  
 -  Bette Midler
  

  Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hopeI never get into that.  
 -  Bill Clinton
  

  You can put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle.  
 -  Bill Clinton
  

  The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.  
 -  Bill Cosby
  

  My wife and I took out life insurance policies on one another, so now it's just a waiting game.  
 -  Bill Dwyer
  

  I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation. Boy, it didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it?  
 -  Bill Maher
  

  The President boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain.  
 -  Bill Maher
  

  We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.  
 -  Bill Vaughan
  

  The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  
 -  Bill Watterson
  

  The great thing about Glasgow now is that if there is a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.  
 -  Billy Connolly
  

  I was the only director who ever made two pictures with Marilyn Monroe. Forget the Oscar, I deserve the Purple Heart.  
 -  Billy Wilder
  

  Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches.  
 -  Bob Davies
  

  When Al Gore gives a fireside chat, the fire goes out.  
 -  Bob Dole
  

  It's so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  I don't feel 80. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.  
 -  Bob Hope
  

  When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn't easy because your best prospects never answered.  
 -  Bob Monkhouse
  

  If God loves us all so much, how come he never makes rain taste minty? So everyone can have fresh breath.  
 -  Bob Odenkirk
  

  Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.  
 -  Bobcat Goldthwait
  

  Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.  
 -  Bobcat Goldthwait
  

  I wouldn't run for President. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house.  
 -  Bono
  

  There are so many Smiths about because Smiths were very good at picking chastity belts.  
 -  Brendan Cooper
  

  I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt.  
 -  Britney Spears
  

  I think the expression, 'It's a small world' is really a euphemism for, 'I keep running into people I can't stand.'  
 -  Brock Cohen
  

  I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and she realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood.  
 -  Brooke Shields
  

  Robinson's Law: The guy you beat out of a prime parking space is the one you have to see for a job interview.  
 -  Cal Robinson
  

  It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopedia Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more numinous than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?  
 -  Carl Sagan
  

  A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.  
 -  Caskie Stinnett
  

  An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.  
 -  Charles Darwin
  

  The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.  
 -  Charles Pierce
  

  Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'  
 -  Charles Schulz
  

  I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke.  
 -  Charlie Sheen
  

  Men should be like Kleenex - soft, strong and disposable.  
 -  Cher
  

  If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.  
 -  Chris Rock
  

  If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.  
 -  Chris Rock
  

  Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.  
 -  Chris Rock
  

  Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.  
 -  Chris Rock
  

  I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot!  
 -  Chris Rock
  

  White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says 'guns?' Congressional hearing. 'Oh, my God, that nigger said 'gun', and he rhymed it with 'fun!'  
 -  Chris Rock
  

  Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.  
 -  Chuck Norris jokes
  

  Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.  
 -  Chuck Norris jokes
  

  Arnold Schwarzenegger's body is like a condom full of walnuts.  
 -  Clive James
  

  I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.  
 -  Dan Quayle
  

  We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe.  
 -  Dan Quayle
  

  My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.  
 -  Dave Barry
  

  After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident, it makes you wonder about history.  
 -  Dave Barry
  

  Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador Retriever.  
 -  Dave Barry
  

  Women want to be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. Men just want tickets for the cup final.  
 -  Dave Berry
  

  I am still looking for a pair of training shoes that will make running on streets seem like running barefoot across the bosoms of maidens.  
 -  Dave Brosnan
  

  I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.  
 -  Dave Edison
  

  I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  
 -  David Bissonette
  

  I was on the subway sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes up and says, 'Are you reading that?' I didn't know what to say, so I just said, ''Yes,' stood up, turned the page and sat  
 -  David Brenner
  

  Last Halloween I ran out of candy and had to give the kids nicotine gum.  
 -  David Letterman
  

  You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.  
 -  David Letterman
  

  Bill Gates is only a white persian cat and a monocle away from being the villain in a James Bond movie.  
 -  Dennis Miller
  

  If it's a girl, my wife wants to call her Sue. A lovely name, but one which, for Jews, is generally a verb.  
 -  Dennis Wolfberg
  

  When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible, and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.  
 -  Desmond Tutu
  

  Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.  
 -  Dick Gregory
  

  If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you.  
 -  Donald Robert Perry Marquis
  

  If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.  
 -  Dorothy Parker
  

  The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.  
 -  Doug Larson
  

  In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.  
 -  Douglas Adams
  

  If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now!  
 -  Douglas Adams
  

  I'm half-Catholic and half-Jewish. When I go to confession, I take my lawyer with me.  
 -  Ed Mann
  

  When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.  
 -  Elayne Boosler
  

  Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.  
 -  Elbert Hubbard
  

  I was flattered to have a rose named after me until I read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but perfect up against a wall.  
 -  Eleanor Roosevelt
  

  My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.  
 -  Elizabeth Taylor
  

  My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.  
 -  Ellen DeGeneres
  

  So, what should we call you, gay or lesbian? How about Ellen?  
 -  Ellen DeGeneres
  

  The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I went out on a first date, but I don't think I'll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn't open the car door. I just swam to the surface.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off of me, you two!'  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  My cousin died. He was stung by a wasp - the natural enemy of the tightrope walker.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently, I owe them 800$. So I sent them a letter back. I said, 'If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government Pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.'  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I lent a friend of mine ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.  
 -  Eric Sykes
  

  There are no atheists on a turbulent aircraft.  
 -  Erica Young
  

  Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wears a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and 30 days later looks like a well-dressed thermometer.  
 -  Erma Bombeck
  

  Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  
 -  Ernest Hemingway
  

  The computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini.  
 -  Evan Esar
  

  Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.  
 -  Fran Lebowitz
  

  London: A place you go to get bronchitis.  
 -  Fran Lebowitz
  

  What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'  
 -  Francois Morency
  

  Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.  
 -  Frank Sinatra
  

  Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks. It says, 'Goodbye.'  
 -  Frank Sinatra
  

  There is a new dictionary for masochists. It lists all the words but not in alphabetical order.  
 -  Frank Tyger
  

  Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.  
 -  Frank Zappa
  

  If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.  
 -  Frank Zappa
  

  Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.  
 -  Franklin P. Jones
  

  The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.  
 -  Franklin P. Jones
  

  Our gardner passed away. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming the elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never stood a chance.  
 -  Frasier, 1993
  

  You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.  
 -  Fred Allen
  

  An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.  
 -  Fred Allen
  

  The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.  
 -  Fred Allen
  

  I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.  
 -  Fred Allen
  

  I've been smoking for 30 years now and there's nothing wrong with my lung.  
 -  Freddie Starr
  

  The word 'good' has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.  
 -  G. K. Chesterton
  

  If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?  
 -  Garrison Keillor
  

  I'm being shown around this house and the realtor says, 'It's got a great view.' And I'm thinking, for the money they're asking, I'd better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window.  
 -  Garry Shandling
  

  I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about being dead and everyone there will know there is something worse than death.  
 -  Gary Numan
  

  When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.  
 -  Gene Perret
  

  A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  Dogs have a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on the streets. Well, there's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?  
 -  George Carlin
  

  One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  Every family should have at least three children. Then, if one of them turns out to be genius, the other two can support him.  
 -  George Coote
  

  If you remember the 1960s, you weren't there.  
 -  George Harrison
  

  Anyway, there is one thing I have learned and that is not to dress uncomfortably, in styles which hurt: Winklepicker shoes that cripple your feet and tight pants that squash your balls. Indian clothes are better.  
 -  George Harrison
  

  I'm a tidy sort of bloke. I don't like chaos. I kept records in the record rack, tea in the tea caddy, and pot in the pot box.  
 -  George Harrison
  

  The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.  
 -  George Orwell
  

  Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs (gynaecologists) aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be President of the United States.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  To the question on the US visa form, 'Is it your intention to subvert the Government of the United States by force?' I answered: Sole purpose of visit.  
 -  Gilbert Harding
  

  Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.  
 -  Gore Vidal
  

  My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all the others.  
 -  Granni Nazzano
  

  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.  
 -  Greg King
  

  I moved to Los Angeles, and I miss so many things from the real world that they don't have here, like ageing, pride, and dignity.  
 -  Greg Proops
  

  There's no smoking in restaurants in Los Angeles. Which is a bit ironic, considering that you can't breathe the air outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.  
 -  Greg Proops
  

  I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll forget all about me. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  I don't have a photograph, but you can keep my footprints. They are upstairs in my socks.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  My love life is so bad I'm taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.  
 -  Guy Bellamy
  

  Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  The average newspaper, especially of the better sort, has the intelligence of a hillbilly evangelist, the courage of a rat, the fairness of a prohibitionist boob-jumper, the information of a high school janitor, the taste of a designer of celluloid valentines, and the honor of a police-station lawyer.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  Sunday school: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  You're a high-priced lawyer! If I gave you $500, will you answer two questions for me? Absolutely. What's the second question?  
 -  Hal Burton
  

  My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.  
 -  Hal Roach
  

  Aren't air fresheners very confusing for blind people? Pine forest? I though this was the loo! Bowl of oranges? Where's my mini-cab?  
 -  Harry Hill
  

  I wonder how far Moses would have gone if he'd taken a poll in Egypt? What would Jesus Christ have preached if he'd taken a poll in the land of Israel? Where would the Reformation have gone if Martin Luther had taken a poll?  
 -  Harry Truman
  

  I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realized it was darts.  
 -  Hattie Hayridge
  

  If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation.  
 -  Helen Mundis
  

  To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  
 -  Helen Rowland
  

  The monkey is an organized sarcasm upon the human race.  
 -  Henry Ward Beecher
  

  If at first you don't succeed . . . so much for skydiving.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  My wife had plastic surgery. I cut up all her credit cards.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  I've just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.  
 -  Herb Cohen
  

  Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  This deep-fat fryer can flash-fry a buffalo in under 40 seconds. 40 seconds? But I want it now!  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  I like animals as much as the next guy, but if I'm hungry, I'll eat a panda sandwich.  
 -  Howard Stern
  

  Love is loving someone no matter what their faults are in a blind and unconditional way. Like the love Tony Blair has for George Bush.  
 -  Hugh Grant
  

  You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.  
 -  Hy Gardner
  

  If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?  
 -  Garrison Keillor
  

  I'm being shown around this house and the realtor says, 'It's got a great view.' And I'm thinking, for the money they're asking, I'd better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window.  
 -  Garry Shandling
  

  I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about being dead and everyone there will know there is something worse than death.  
 -  Gary Numan
  

  When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.  
 -  Gene Perret
  

  A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  Dogs have a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  There's all this talk about violence on TV causing violence on the streets. Well, there's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the street?  
 -  George Carlin
  

  One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  Every family should have at least three children. Then, if one of them turns out to be genius, the other two can support him.  
 -  George Coote
  

  If you remember the 1960s, you weren't there.  
 -  George Harrison
  

  Anyway, there is one thing I have learned and that is not to dress uncomfortably, in styles which hurt: Winklepicker shoes that cripple your feet and tight pants that squash your balls. Indian clothes are better.  
 -  George Harrison
  

  I'm a tidy sort of bloke. I don't like chaos. I kept records in the record rack, tea in the tea caddy, and pot in the pot box.  
 -  George Harrison
  

  The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.  
 -  George Orwell
  

  Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs (gynaecologists) aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be President of the United States.  
 -  George W. Bush
  

  To the question on the US visa form, 'Is it your intention to subvert the Government of the United States by force?' I answered: Sole purpose of visit.  
 -  Gilbert Harding
  

  Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.  
 -  Gore Vidal
  

  My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all the others.  
 -  Granni Nazzano
  

  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.  
 -  Greg King
  

  There's no smoking in restaurants in Los Angeles. Which is a bit ironic, considering that you can't breathe the air outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.  
 -  Greg Proops
  

  I'm afraid that after we've been married a while a beautiful girl will come along and you'll forget all about me. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  I don't have a photograph, but you can keep my footprints. They are upstairs in my socks.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  My love life is so bad I'm taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.  
 -  Guy Bellamy
  

  Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  The average newspaper, especially of the better sort, has the intelligence of a hillbilly evangelist, the courage of a rat, the fairness of a prohibitionist boob-jumper, the information of a high school janitor, the taste of a designer of celluloid valentines, and the honor of a police-station lawyer.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  Sunday school: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.  
 -  H. L. Mencken
  

  You're a high-priced lawyer! If I gave you $500, will you answer two questions for me? Absolutely. What's the second question?  
 -  Hal Burton
  

  My wife converted me to religion. I never believed in hell until I married her.  
 -  Hal Roach
  

  Aren't air fresheners very confusing for blind people? Pine forest? I though this was the loo! Bowl of oranges? Where's my mini-cab?  
 -  Harry Hill
  

  I wonder how far Moses would have gone if he'd taken a poll in Egypt? What would Jesus Christ have preached if he'd taken a poll in the land of Israel? Where would the Reformation have gone if Martin Luther had taken a poll?  
 -  Harry Truman
  

  I was watching what I thought was sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realized it was darts.  
 -  Hattie Hayridge
  

  If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation.  
 -  Helen Mundis
  

  To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.  
 -  Helen Rowland
  

  The monkey is an organized sarcasm upon the human race.  
 -  Henry Ward Beecher
  

  If at first you don't succeed . . . so much for skydiving.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  My wife had plastic surgery. I cut up all her credit cards.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  I've just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.  
 -  Henry Youngman
  

  Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.  
 -  Herb Cohen
  

  Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  This deep-fat fryer can flash-fry a buffalo in under 40 seconds. 40 seconds? But I want it now!  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  I like animals as much as the next guy, but if I'm hungry, I'll eat a panda sandwich.  
 -  Howard Stern
  

  Love is loving someone no matter what their faults are in a blind and unconditional way. Like the love Tony Blair has for George Bush.  
 -  Hugh Grant
  

  You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.  
 -  Hy Gardner
  

  It is well-known that the friend of a conqueror is but the last victim.  
 -  Isaac Asimov
  

  I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.  
 -  Jack Benny
  

  I've told my wife, if I ever need cardiac surgery, get me the heart of a movie mogul. It's never been used.  
 -  Jack Columbo
  

  My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.  
 -  Jack Nicholson
  

  My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money, watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.  
 -  Jackie Mason
  

  England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.  
 -  Jackie Mason
  

  Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!  
 -  Jackie Mason
  

  Don't tell my mother I work in an advertising agency. She thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse.  
 -  Jacques Seguela
  

  Bush says he's being stalked. He says wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  George W. Bush went into a think tank this week and almost drowned.  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  If God would have wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  Men talk to women so they can sleep with them, and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.  
 -  Jay McInerney
  

  Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of getting men to put the toilet lid down.  
 -  Jeff Green
  

  We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.  
 -  Jeff Marder
  

  One of the greatest mysteries to me about women is the fact that they can pour hot wax on their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.  
 -  Jerry Seinfeld
  

  You have to be pretty special to be able to cheapen TV any further. I can't take credit for that. It's like finding a way of making the sun hotter.  
 -  Jerry Springer
  

  Watching your daughter being collected by her date is like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.  
 -  Jim Bishop
  

  I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.  
 -  Jim Loy
  

  Show me a man who is a good loser, and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.  
 -  Jim Murray
  

  I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriage. Every married couple I know has the same sex all the time.  
 -  Jim Rosenberg
  

  A lot of people criticize supermodels and I think that's very unfair, because they can't answer back.  
 -  Jo Brand
  

  The problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting progressively poorer.  
 -  Joan Collins
  

  When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I'm jewish. I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, 'Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet.'  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'  
 -  Joe Namath
  

  Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must reckon toilet paper is worth more than money.  
 -  Joey Bishop
  

  As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  
 -  John Glenn
  

  Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.  
 -  John Peers
  

  Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.  
 -  John Quinton
  

  If life was fair, Elvis would be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.  
 -  Johnny Carson
  

  Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.  
 -  Johnny Carson
  

  Ever wondered about those people who spend 2$ a throw on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.  
 -  Jon Stewart
  

  The Pope. Great guy. But in a fashion sense, he's one hat away from being the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.  
 -  Jon Stewart
  

  It's official. I'm middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.  
 -  Jonathan Katz
  

  God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.  
 -  Jonathan Winters
  

  The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.  
 -  Joseph Cossman
  

  The world can never be considered educated until we spend as much on books as we do on chewing gum.  
 -  Josh Billings
  

  The best advice I was ever given was on my twenty-first birthday when my father said, Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it.  
 -  Josh Billings
  

  If you're given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.  
 -  Katharine Hepburn
  

  Life is full of censorship. I can't spit in your eye.  
 -  Katharine Hepburn
  

  Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.  
 -  Kevin Costner
  

  If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.  
 -  Kin Hubbard
  

  He had a smile on his face but it was about as thin as airline coffee.  
 -  Kinky Friedman
  

  The only advantage I have found to being jewish is that I can be openly anti-Semitic.  
 -  Kirk Douglas
  

  Americans are people who laugh at African witch doctors and spend 100 million dollars on fake diets.  
 -  L. L. Levinson
  

  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  
 -  Lana Turner
  

  Ecstasy is a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance.  
 -  Lenny Henry
  

  If you want people to think you are wise, just agree with them.  
 -  Leo Rosten
  

  My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.  
 -  Les Dawson
  

  I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.  
 -  Les Dawson
  

  Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.  
 -  Lily Tomlin
  

  Probably the difference between man and the monkeys is that the monkeys are merely bored, while man has boredom plus imagination.  
 -  Lin Yutang
  

  There's a scene in Thunderball when I'm in the shower and James Bond walks in. I say, 'Pass me something to slip on.' And he passes me my slippers.  
 -  Luciana Paluzzi
  

  Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.  
 -  Lucy Liu
  

  What do you think of modern civilization? I think it would be a good idea.  
 -  Mahatma Gandhi
  

  If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.  
 -  Margaret Thatcher
  

  If you want to cut your own throat, don't come to me for a bandage.  
 -  Margaret Thatcher
  

  Homer, are you coming with us to the book fair? If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.  
 -  Marge and Homer Simpson
  

  I can't figure out why Columbia isn't a superpower by now. They produce coffee and cocaine, so it's not like they can't figure out how to motivate the workforce.  
 -  Margot Black
  

  Did you really pose for that calendar with nothing on? I had the radio on.  
 -  Marilyn Monroe
  

  What do you wear in bed? Chanel No. 5.  
 -  Marilyn Monroe
  

  The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.  
 -  Mark Russell
  

  Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  I like a thin book because it will steady a table; a leather volume because it will strop a razor; and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  There's nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  In India, 'cold weather' is merely a phrase to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy.  
 -  Mark Twain
  

  My son has taken up meditation. At least it's better than sitting and doing nothing.  
 -  Max Kauffmann
  

  Tragedy is when I have a hangnail. Comedy is when you accidentally walk into an open sewer and die.  
 -  Mel Brooks
  

  If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.  
 -  Mel Brooks
  

  I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.  
 -  Mel Gibson
  

  Eloquence: the ability to describe Pamela Anderson without using one's hands.  
 -  Michael Harkness
  

  My favourite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most of the world it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter.  
 -  Michael Ventre
  

  I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.  
 -  Mike Tyson
  

  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  
 -  Miles Kington
  

  My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already.  
 -  Milton Berle
  

  There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.  
 -  Mort Sahl
  

  Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.  
 -  Muhammad Ali
  

  It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.  
 -  Muhammad Ali
  

  I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.  
 -  Muhammad Ali
  

  Superman don't need no seat belt. Superman don't need no airplane, either.  
 -  Muhammad Ali, flight attendant
  

  A man was mugged and lay bleeding to death by the side of the road. A social worker passed by and said, 'Tell me the name of the person who did this to you. He needs help immediately.'  
 -  Murray Watts
  

  They say the movies should be more like life. I think life should be more like the movies.  
 -  Myrna Loy
  

  Nice party! I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.  
 -  Naked Gun 2 1/2, 1991
  

  If I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee. If I were your husband, I'd drink it.  
 -  Nancy Astor, Sir Winston Churchill
  

  Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.  
 -  Nancy Banks Smith
  

  Victoria Beckham speaks two languages - English and Gucci.  
 -  Nicola Zweig
  

  Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.  
 -  Nicole Hollander
  

  If there was an observer on Mars, they would probably be amazed that we have survived this long.  
 -  Noam Chomsky
  

  When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.  
 -  Norm Crosby
  

  My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.  
 -  Norm Crosby
  

  Once I walked out of a bathroom stall at O'Hare Airport, and three women applauded. That's when I knew: I am famous.  
 -  Oprah Winfrey
  

  I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white beard and am sitting in the back of the theater, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the cheap seats, not Mount Sinai.  
 -  Orson Welles
  

  What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.  
 -  Oscar Levant
  

  Intuition is the strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  Ah, Mr Wilde, I passed your house this afternoon. Thank you so much.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  The English country gentleman galloping after the fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite and leaves one quite unsatisfied. What more can one want?  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.  
 -  Otto von Bismarck
  

  His mouth had the coldly forbidding look of the closed door of a subway express when you have just missed the train.  
 -  P. G. Wodehouse
  

  Woman is the unfathomable, incalculable mystery, the problem that we men can never hope to solve.  
 -  P. G. Wodehouse
  

  The voice of love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.  
 -  P. G. Wodehouse
  

  The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine.  
 -  P. G. Wodehouse
  

  It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens for the echo.  
 -  P. G. Wodehouse
  

  Being an astronomer is a very noble profession, but it does leave you at rather a loose end during the day.  
 -  Patrick Moore
  

  Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.  
 -  Patrick Murray
  

  Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'  
 -  Paul McCartney
  

  Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.  
 -  Paul Rodriguez
  

  Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.  
 -  Phyllis Diller
  

  If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies.'  
 -  Phyllis Diller
  

  I would never have taken up painting if women did not have breasts.  
 -  Pierre Auguste Renoir
  

  It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steak.  
 -  Pierre Renoir
  

  Too many cooks spoil the brothel.  
 -  Polly Adler
  

  Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.  
 -  Ray Mancini
  

  I thought I had PMS, but my doctor said, 'I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, you don't have PMS. The bad news is, you're a bitch.'  
 -  Rhonda Bates
  

  It's tough. After five years of marriage, it's difficult to lose the one with the good credit card rating.  
 -  Rich Voss
  

  Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.  
 -  Richard Bach
  

  There's a woman in the United States who predicted the plane we were traveling on would crash. Now, a lot of people would like to think we were scared into saying a prayer. What we did actually - we drank.  
 -  Ringo Starr
  

  I love to shop after a bad relationship. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down.  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  My husband refuses to try anything on. Even shoes. He just holds the box up to the light and say, 'Yeah, these fit fine.'  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  I envy kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and starts to grow. I'd have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.  
 -  Robert A. Heinlein
  

  Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.  
 -  Robert A. Heinlein
  

  Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.  
 -  Robert Benchley
  

  Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.  
 -  Robert Benchley
  

  Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.  
 -  Robert Byrne
  

  The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.  
 -  Robert Frost
  

  It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.  
 -  Robert Orben
  

  Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.  
 -  Robert Orben
  

  New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!  
 -  Robert Orben
  

  God gave men both a penis and a brain, but only enough blood supply to run one at a time.  
 -  Robin Williams
  

  We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.  
 -  Robin Williams
  

  If women ran the world, there would not be wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.  
 -  Robin Williams
  

  What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over - nobody was home.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He said, 'Were a brown tie.'  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  Last week some guy pulled a knife on me, but I could tell it wasn't a real professional job. There was still butter on it.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  My wife gives good headache.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: Short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.  
 -  Ronald Knox
  

  They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.  
 -  Ronald Reagan
  

  All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.  
 -  Ronald Reagan
  

  A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.  
 -  Ronald Reagan
  

  I spend money with reckless abandon. I spent 5,000$ on a seminar about reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once.  
 -  Ronnie Shakes
  

  I approach reading reviews the way some people anticipate anal warts.  
 -  Roseanne Barr
  

  My husband said he needed more space - so I locked him outside.  
 -  Roseanne Barr
  

  The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to Tenerife. And she wants to come with me.  
 -  Roy Chubby Brown
  

  We bought a Suzuki jeep and the wife turned it over. I said, 'How did it happen?' She said, There was a pine tree and I went to the left and it swung to the left, I went to the right and it swung to the right. I said, 'It was the air-freshener, you twat.'  
 -  Roy Chubby Brown
  

  If there's an atomic war, this country will be flattened in three minutes. Good. Time to f*** the wife. Twice.  
 -  Roy Chubby Brown
  

  I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.  
 -  Roy Chubby Brown
  

  My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whiskey. I am always drunk but I can see for miles.  
 -  Roy Chubby Brown
  

  I've decided to take up a life of crime, but I can't decide which political party to join.  
 -  Roy Cubby Brown
  

  A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.  
 -  Russell Baker
  

  More people will get out of your way if you say, 'I'm about to puke!' than if you say, 'Excuse me.'  
 -  Sally Berger
  

  I do not understand why, when I ask for grilled lobster in a restaurant, I'm never served a cooked telephone.  
 -  Salvador Dali
  

  A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.  
 -  Sam Ewing
  

  If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.  
 -  Sam Levenson
  

  Fame means when your computer modem is broken, the repair guy comes out to your house a little faster.  
 -  Sandra Bullock
  

  The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.  
 -  Sarah Brown
  

  One thought-murder a day keeps the psychiatrist away.  
 -  Saul Bellow
  

  The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot, but the guy who invented the other three, now he was a genius.  
 -  Sid Caesar
  

  A diplomat is a person who can be disarming, even if his country isn't.  
 -  Sidney Brody
  

  I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.  
 -  Sir Winston Churchill
  

  Charles de Gaulle looks like a female Llama surprised in her bath.  
 -  Sir Winston Churchill
  

  Graham Sutherland's portrait of me makes me look as if I was having a difficult stool.  
 -  Sir Winston Churchill
  

  When Sophia Loren is naked, that is a lot of nakedness.  
 -  Sophia Loren
  

  And God said, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.  
 -  Spike Milligan
  

  And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait till Thursday to be connected.  
 -  Spike Milligan
  

  My uncle fell through a trap door and broke his neck. Was he building a house? No, they were hanging him.  
 -  Stan Laurel, Oliver Hardy
  

  The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.  
 -  Stephen Hawking
  

  We've got cards and letters from lots of people that say that iTunes is their favourite app on windows. It's like giving a glass of ice water to someone in hell.  
 -  Steve Jobs
  

  Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can get fired by someone wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.  
 -  Steve Martin
  

  If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?'  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?' I said, 'Sure, but I don't believe everything I read.'  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  I intend to live forever. So far, so good.  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks - I'm not going that far.'  
 -  Steven Wrights
  

  My voice sounds like a mafiosi pallbearer.  
 -  Sylvester Stallone
  

  I'm terrified of dying in a plane crash. I hate the thought that peanuts would be my last meal.  
 -  Tanya Luckerath
  

  I'm so obsessive about the way I look. I spend a lot of time just staring in the mirror. No wonder I get in so many traffic accidents.  
 -  Tanya Luckerath
  

  People who say money can't buy you happiness just don't know where to shop.  
 -  Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
  

  Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
 -  Terry Pratchett
  

  Some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.  
 -  The Office, 2005
  

  I urge you to study law. A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight car. But a man who graduates as a lawyer might steal the whole railroad.  
 -  Theodore Roosevelt
  

  The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.  
 -  Theodore Roosevelt
  

  Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.  
 -  Thomas A. Edison
  

  I was never my mother's favourite - and I was an only child.  
 -  Thomas Berger
  

  Everything at IKEA is self-assembly. I bought a pillow and they gave me a duck.  
 -  Todd Glass
  

  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said, 'I want that.' So I cut it out and gave it to her.  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: 'I'm leaving you all my money.' The nephew said: 'Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?' He said: 'Get your foot off my oxygen tube.'  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.  
 -  Totie Fields
  

  For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post updates on who they stalk.  
 -  Unknown
  

  If couples who are in love are called 'love birds', then couples who always argue should be called 'angry birds.'  
 -  Unknown
  

  Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.  
 -  Unknown
  

  When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up, it's like having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.  
 -  Unknown
  

  My parents told me 'You watch too much TV and should try reading more!' So I turned on the subtitles.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....  
 -  Unknown
  

  If someone says expect the unexpected slap them in the face and say 'I bet you didn't expect that!'  
 -  Unknown
  

  That awkward moment when you chew on someone else's pen.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Before sex.. you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.  
 -  Unknown
  

  The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I accidentally bumped into my ex today...With my car...at 60mph...on purpose.  
 -  Unknown
  

  On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won't stop inboxing meeee!  
 -  Unknown
  

  I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: 'What do you do at a red light?' Me: 'I usually respond to texts and check my Facebook.'  
 -  Unknown
  

  When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say 'Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?'  
 -  Unknown
  

  If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.  
 -  Unknown
  

  That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and when you're almost near the cashier, they're not even back yet.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!  
 -  Unknown
  

  My bed and I have a special relationship, we're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just hates seeing us together.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Trust me, when I woke up today I had no plans to be awesome, but shit happens.  
 -  Unknown
  

  That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there's someone inside.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Graduation Speech: I'd like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste....  
 -  Unknown
  

  The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...  
 -  Unknown
  

  This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket....so all the people I dont like can kiss my ass.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms into body wash.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Imagination is intelligence with an erection.  
 -  Victor Hugo
  

  If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.  
 -  Voltaire
  

  I was married once - in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  If you don't like the news, buy a gun and go out and make your own.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  Hollywood is a place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.  
 -  Walter Winchell
  

  I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pitbull. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.  
 -  Wanda Lane
  

  Wall Street is the only place that people ride to work in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.  
 -  Warren Buffett
  

  I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.  
 -  Warren Buffett
  

  My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.  
 -  Wendy Liebman
  

  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.  
 -  Will Rogers
  

  Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock.  
 -  Will Rogers
  

  Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.  
 -  Will Rogers
  

  The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.  
 -  Will Rogers
  

  One way to solve all the traffic problems would be to keep all the cars that aren't paid for off the streets.  
 -  Will Rogers
  

  There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: School and prison.  
 -  William Glasser
  

  Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  See that critic? He used to hate every movie. Then he married a young, big-bosomed woman, and now he loves every movie.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  In real life, Diane Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  There are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours more.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturdaynight.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with other men. There is a three-year waiting list.  
 -  Yakov Smirnoff
  

  If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!  
 -  Yogi Berra
  

  Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.  
 -  Yogi Berra
  

  Cosmetics is a boon to every woman, but a girl's best beauty aid is still a near-sighted man.  
 -  Yoko Ono
  

  Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for the entire weekend.  
 -  Zenna Schaffer
  

  I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  
 -  Zsa Zsa Gabor
  

  I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.  
 -  Zsa Zsa Gabor
  

  I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  
 -  Zsa Zsa Gabor