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Jokes's Quotes


  My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.  
 -  Zach Galifianakis
  

  I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.  
 -  Zach Galifianakis
  

  I prefer sayings over jokes.  
 -  Robert Ballard
  

  Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.  
 -  Washington Irving
  

  A joke is a very serious thing  
 -  Winston Churchill
  

  I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.  
 -  Maya Angelou
  

  It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.  
 -  Maya Angelou
  

  Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.  
 -  Zach Galifianakis
  

  Most jokes state a bitter truth.  
 -  Larry Gelbart
  

  I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes.  
 -  Sherilyn Fenn
  

  I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.  
 -  Drew Carey
  

  In Bengal, Hindus are known to crack jokes at the expense of their gods and goddesses and that's what I did.  
 -  Sunil Gangopadhyay
  

  When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.  
 -  Megan Fox
  

  The most fun I ever have is sitting in with Rick writing, and we laugh at our own jokes.  
 -  Adrian Edmondson
  

  My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.  
 -  Eric Morecambe
  

  A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.  
 -  George Eliot
  

  In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.  
 -  Eric Dane
  

  A civil servant doesn't make jokes.  
 -  Eugene Ionesco
  

  I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.  
 -  Marty Feldman
  

  A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes.  
 -  Zac Efron
  

  The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.  
 -  David Ogilvy
  

  The reason most comedies don't win awards is that the filmmakers put the comedy first. This means you have to create a story around the jokes.  
 -  Paul Feig
  

  My whole life, I've been telling jokes.  
 -  Brad Garrett
  

  I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.  
 -  Tim Vine
  

  I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.  
 -  Alice Walker
  

  The problem with political jokes is they get elected.  
 -  Unknown
  

  A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.  
 -  Sam Ewing
  

  I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.  
 -  Dave Attell
  

  Deaf jokes aren't funny, I don't want to hear them.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.  
 -  Monica Piper
  

  Laughing at your own joke so hard that you can barely tell it.  
 -  Unknown
  

  If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.  
 -  Joe Harsel
  

  My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. I never did like to work, and I don't deny it. I'd rather read, tell stories, crack jokes, talk, laugh - anything but work.  
 -  Abraham Lincoln
  

  I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  New opinions often appear first as jokes and fancies, then as blasphemies and treason, then as questions open to discussion, and finally as established truths.  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.  
 -  G. K. Chesterton
  

  I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.  
 -  Dave Attell
  

  A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!  
 -  Milton Berle
  

  I have 40 years of unpublished material, the ones they don't pick, and the reason I don't redraw them or use them again is that I like to use my brain every day and come up with new jokes.  
 -  Sergio Aragones
  

  We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.  
 -  Fred Allen
  

  Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.  
 -  Robert Collier
  

  I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.  
 -  Dave Attell
  

  I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  Tommy Lee Jones is hilarious. I would say, if you look at the body of his work, the character he is most like is the one in 'The Fugitive.' That's how he talks and jokes. That is the type of energy he has.  
 -  Will Smith
  

  A book does not make bad jokes, drink too much or eat more than you can afford to pay for.  
 -  Kenneth Turan
  

  In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.  
 -  Will Smith
  

  If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.  
 -  Bob Edwards
  

  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.  
 -  Tommy Cooper
  

  I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter.  
 -  Tahar Ben Jelloun
  

  I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.  
 -  Gabriel Iglesias
  

  Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.  
 -  Mike Wilmot
  

  Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.  
 -  Gabriel Iglesias
  

  Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.  
 -  Buddy Hackett
  

  A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.  
 -  Frank Ocean
  

  I think the more the actor lets you know what he thinks of the character, the less the audience cares - like a comedian who laughs at his own jokes.  
 -  Neil LaBute
  

  I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.  
 -  Mitch Hedberg
  

  I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.  
 -  Dolly Parton
  

  All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.  
 -  Mitch Hedberg
  

  Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day.  
 -  Seth MacFarlane
  

  The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.  
 -  H. G. Wells
  

  I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.  
 -  Norm MacDonald
  

  It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.  
 -  Norm MacDonald
  

  When you are in a room and your job is to write jokes 10 hours a day, your mind starts going to strange places.  
 -  Seth MacFarlane
  

  I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold.  
 -  Bernhard Langer
  

  My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  I'm not good at anything except writing jokes. I wasn't good at sports, I wasn't good at anything artsy, ever. I think there was a real worry for a while about what I would be good at. I was just this chubby little Indian kid who looked like a nerd.  
 -  Mindy Kaling