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Sex's Quotes


  They are working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? That's been around for hundreds of years - it's called cash.  
 -  Alonzo Boden
  

  Only the united beat of sex and heart together can create ecstasy.  
 -  Anais Nin
  

  Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!'  
 -  Anais Nin
  

  Eroticism is one of the basic means of self-knowledge, as indispensable as poetry.  
 -  Anais Nin
  

  After being alive, the next hardest work is having sex. Of course, for some people it isn't work because they need the exercise and they've got the energy for the sex and the sex gives them even more energy. Some people get energy from sex and some people lose energy from sex. I have found that it's too much work. But if you have the time for it, and if you need that exercise - then you should do it.  
 -  Andy Warhol
  

  Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.  
 -  Andy Warhol
  

  I think it is funny that we were freer about sexuality in the 4th century B.C. It is a little disconcerting.  
 -  Angelina Jolie
  

  Women complain about sex more often than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: 1. Not enough. 2. Too much.  
 -  Ann Landers
  

  Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.  
 -  Anon
  

  Without virtue, man is most unholy and savage, and worst in regard to sex and eating.  
 -  Aristotle
  

  I get laid on purpose. I can't sleep before a competition and I'm up all night, anyway, so instead of staring at the ceiling I figure I might as well find somebody and fuck... we had girls backstage giving head, then all of us went out and I won. It didn't bother me at all - in fact, I went out there feeling like King Kong.  
 -  Arnold Schwarzenegger
  

  There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don't need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.  
 -  Audrey Hepburn
  

  Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.  
 -  Barbara Bush
  

  I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.  
 -  Bette Midler
  

  If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?  
 -  Bette Midler
  

  I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection! Either way we're screwed!  
 -  Bette Midler
  

  Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding fucking proposals... and the first thought that enters my mind is, 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong?  
 -  Bill Hicks
  

  Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.  
 -  Billy Crystal
  

  A threesome was never a fantasy of mine. What, wake up with TWO disappointed ladies in the morning?  
 -  Bobcat Goldthwait
  

  The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.  
 -  Brendan Francis
  

  Just because I look sexy on the cover of Rolling Stone doesn't mean I'm naughty.  
 -  Britney Spears
  

  To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.  
 -  Cary Grant
  

  Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.  
 -  Charles Bukowski
  

  Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.  
 -  Charles Bukowski
  

  It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.  
 -  Charles Pierce
  

  Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high-five.  
 -  Chuck Norris jokes
  

  Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex because they are doing the same thing.  
 -  Chuck Norris jokes
  

  I had a wank in the car the other day. I won't be doing that again. The cab driver was furious.  
 -  Clyde West
  

  I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. I'm not talking about the short-term gratification of pleasures like sex, drugs or gambling, though I'm not knocking them, but something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.  
 -  Dalai Lama
  

  I once made love to a female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle.  
 -  Dan Whitney
  

  Nowadays I reserve my sexual activities for special occasions such as the installation of a new pope.  
 -  Dave Barry
  

  Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.  
 -  Dave Barry
  

  Sex is great until you die, but it's never as great as it was when you were a kid, when it was a mystery.  
 -  David Duchovny
  

  The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, 'Soon you'll be able to have sex.' I said, 'I've heard that for years.'  
 -  David Letterman
  

  Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.  
 -  Deepak Chopra
  

  Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.  
 -  Dorothy Parker
  

  You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.  
 -  Drew Carey
  

  I am always looking for meaningful one night stands.  
 -  Dudley Moore
  

  There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?  
 -  Dustin Hoffman
  

  If you're a young male, you live in a sexual tyranny anyway. You could be in a car crash, lying in a ditch, thinking, 'What is the erotic twist of this situation?'  
 -  Dylan Moran
  

  Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of 'Not this again,' and 'Hey, where did you learn that?'  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  Oh yes, I've tried my hand at sex.  
 -  Emo Philips
  

  Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.  
 -  Fran Lebowitz
  

  Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.  
 -  Fran Lebowitz
  

  If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.  
 -  Frank Zappa
  

  When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.  
 -  Frederike Ryder
  

  The first two facts which a healthy boy or girl feels about sex are these: First that it is beautiful and then that it is dangerous.  
 -  G. K. Chesterton
  

  Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus.  
 -  Garrison Keillor
  

  One night I made love from one o'clock to five past two. It was when they put the clocks forward.  
 -  Garry Shandling
  

  Sex is the joining of two bodies; love is the joining of two souls.  
 -  Gary Chapman
  

  I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.  
 -  Gary Shandling
  

  Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.  
 -  George Burns
  

  There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.  
 -  George Burns
  

  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.  
 -  Gloria Leonard
  

  My sex life is now reduced to fan letters from an elderly lesbian who wants to borrow $800.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  A man has missed something if he has never left a brothel at dawn feeling like throwing himself into the river out of sheer disgust with life.  
 -  Gustave Flaubert
  

  There comes a moment in the day when you have written your pages in the morning, attended to your correspondence in the afternoon, and have nothing further to do. Then comes that hour when you are bored; that's the time for sex.  
 -  H. G. Wells
  

  A man not honorable in his marital relations is not usually honorable in any other.  
 -  Harry Truman
  

  As selfishness and complaint pervert and cloud the mind, so sex with its joy clears and sharpens the vision.  
 -  Helen Keller
  

  I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  Publishing a sophisticated men's magazine seemed to me the best possible way of fulfilling a dream I'd been nurturing ever since I was a teenager: to get laid a lot.  
 -  Hugh Hefner
  

  Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.  
 -  Hunter S. Thompson
  

  The first two facts which a healthy boy or girl feels about sex are these: First that it is beautiful and then that it is dangerous.  
 -  G. K. Chesterton
  

  Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus.  
 -  Garrison Keillor
  

  One night I made love from one o'clock to five past two. It was when they put the clocks forward.  
 -  Garry Shandling
  

  Sex is the joining of two bodies; love is the joining of two souls.  
 -  Gary Chapman
  

  I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.  
 -  Gary Shandling
  

  Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!  
 -  George Bernard Shaw
  

  It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.  
 -  George Burns
  

  Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.  
 -  George Burns
  

  There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.  
 -  George Burns
  

  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.  
 -  George Carlin
  

  The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.  
 -  Gloria Leonard
  

  My sex life is now reduced to fan letters from an elderly lesbian who wants to borrow $800.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.  
 -  Groucho Marx
  

  A man has missed something if he has never left a brothel at dawn feeling like throwing himself into the river out of sheer disgust with life.  
 -  Gustave Flaubert
  

  There comes a moment in the day when you have written your pages in the morning, attended to your correspondence in the afternoon, and have nothing further to do. Then comes that hour when you are bored; that's the time for sex.  
 -  H. G. Wells
  

  A man not honorable in his marital relations is not usually honorable in any other.  
 -  Harry Truman
  

  As selfishness and complaint pervert and cloud the mind, so sex with its joy clears and sharpens the vision.  
 -  Helen Keller
  

  I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.  
 -  Homer Simpson
  

  Publishing a sophisticated men's magazine seemed to me the best possible way of fulfilling a dream I'd been nurturing ever since I was a teenager: to get laid a lot.  
 -  Hugh Hefner
  

  Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.  
 -  Hunter S. Thompson
  

  Anything you make forbidden gains sexual attractiveness. Would you be particularly interested in women's breasts if you lived in a society in which they were displayed at all times?  
 -  Isaac Asimov
  

  I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman.  
 -  Jack Nicholson
  

  England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.  
 -  Jackie Mason
  

  Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?  
 -  Jackie Mason
  

  It's absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.  
 -  Jarod Kintz
  

  A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.  
 -  Jay Leno
  

  I don't remember having a sexual peak when I was nineteen. I just remember apologizing a lot.  
 -  Jeff Stilson
  

  A multiple orgasm is like a good music system - something you see in magazines and which other people have.  
 -  Jeremy Hardy
  

  Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.  
 -  Jerry Seinfeld
  

  I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriage. Every married couple I know has the same sex all the time.  
 -  Jim Rosenberg
  

  Sex and golf are the only things you can enjoy without being any good at them.  
 -  Jimmy Demarest
  

  I need sex for a clear complexion, but I'd rather do it for love.  
 -  Joan Crawford
  

  When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  Two's company. Three's fifty bucks.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me 'sir'.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist examines me by telephone.  
 -  Joan Rivers
  

  Now that I'm 78, I do tantric sex because it's very slow. My favourite position is called the plumber. You stay in all day but nobody comes.  
 -  John Mortimer
  

  I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.  
 -  Johnny Carson
  

  My father, a surgeon and urologist, studied sex professionally all his life. Before he died at 82, he told me he hadn't come to any conclusions about it at all.  
 -  Katharine Hepburn
  

  The three words you don't want to hear, while you're making love are, 'Honey, I'm home.'  
 -  Ken Hammond
  

  My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.  
 -  Les Dawson
  

  Who is this Greek chap Clitoris they're talking about?  
 -  Lord Albermarle
  

  Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.  
 -  Lynda Montgomery
  

  Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.  
 -  Mae West
  

  Sex is an emotion in motion.  
 -  Mae West
  

  I consider sex a misdemeanor; the more I miss, de meaner I get.  
 -  Mae West
  

  The very purpose of marriage is restraint and sublimation of the sexual passion. If there is any other purpose, marriage is no consecration.  
 -  Mahatma Gandhi
  

  We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.  
 -  Marilyn Monroe
  

  Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature.  
 -  Marilyn Monroe
  

  Sex: In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.  
 -  Marlene Dietrich
  

  Sex is much better with a woman, but then one can't live with a woman.  
 -  Marlene Dietrich
  

  The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.  
 -  Mel Brooks
  

  On my 85th birthday, I felt like a 20-year-old. But there wasn't one around.  
 -  Milton Berle
  

  He's so generous, he'll go out, get two blowjobs, come back and give you one of them.  
 -  Milton Berle
  

  Conjugal love, or the friendship of spouses, can persist even after sexual desires have weakened, withered, and disappeared.  
 -  Mortimer Adler
  

  Easy is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.  
 -  Nancy Linn-Desmond
  

  I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism. And that's how I operate my life.  
 -  Oprah Winfrey
  

  Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.  
 -  Oscar Wilde
  

  There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes 380SL convertible.  
 -  P. J. O'Rourke
  

  An australian guy's idea of foreplay is, 'Are you awake?'  
 -  Paul Hogan
  

  I have so much cybersex, my baby's first words will probably be, 'You've got mail.'  
 -  Paulara Hawkins
  

  I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.  
 -  Phyllis Diller
  

  My husband and I had our best sex during the divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers.  
 -  Priscilla Lopez
  

  I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.  
 -  Red Buttons
  

  Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?' He said, 'Yes, but not with each other.'  
 -  Rita Rudner
  

  Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you.  
 -  Robert A. Heinlein
  

  Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.  
 -  Robert A. Heinlein
  

  According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.  
 -  Robert De Niro
  

  The thing women like most in bed is breakfast.  
 -  Robin Williams
  

  We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught me how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.  
 -  Rodney Dangerfield
  

  All human beings connect sex and love - except for men.  
 -  Roseanne Barr
  

  I did not suspect it was an orgy until three days later.  
 -  S. J. Perelman
  

  Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.  
 -  Saint Augustine
  

  You a PUA? Consider evolving to a FLA. What's that? A 'finding love artist.' Casual sex is nowhere near as cool as love.  
 -  Sean Stephenson
  

  You could lay your pussy on a table right in front of a man and still not know what he's thinking.  
 -  Sex and the City, 1998
  

  Is your vagina listed in the New York City guidebooks? Because it should be. Hottest spot in town. Always open!  
 -  Sex and the City, Charlotte York
  

  Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.  
 -  Sharon Stone
  

  The sexual life of adult women is a dark continent for psychology.  
 -  Sigmund Freud
  

  Sex is a conversation carried out by other means.  
 -  Sir Peter Ustinov
  

  Your fly-buttons are undone. No matter. The dead bird does not leave the nest.  
 -  Sir Winston Churchill
  

  Sex is like washing your face - just something you do because you have to. Sex without love is absolutely ridiculous. Sex follows love, it never precedes it.  
 -  Sophia Loren
  

  Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.  
 -  Sophia Loren
  

  I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.  
 -  Steve Martin
  

  When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's five dollars a minute.  
 -  Steven Wright
  

  I think I mentioned to Bob Geldof I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging, then dinner and a movie.  
 -  Sting
  

  Sex is... perfectly natural. It's something that's pleasurable. It's enjoyable and it enhances a relationship. So why don't we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings because we are all sexual?  
 -  Sue Johanson
  

  Having great wealth is one of the most disappointing things. It's overrated, I can tell you that. It's not as good as average sex.  
 -  Ted Turner
  

  Foreplay is like beefburgers - three minutes on each side.  
 -  Victoria Wood
  

  Orgies: participate once, you're a philosopher; twice, a pervert.  
 -  Voltaire
  

  Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.  
 -  W. C. Fields
  

  The only way to have really safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.  
 -  Wendy Liebman
  

  My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.  
 -  William Somerset Maugham
  

  I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and woman.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.  
 -  Woody Allen
  

  Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with other men. There is a three-year waiting list.  
 -  Yakov Smirnoff
  

  Personally, I know nothing about sex, because I have always been married.  
 -  Zsa Zsa Gabor
  

  Sex is like math: You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.  
 -  Unknown
  

  If three people having sex is a threesome, and two people having sex is a twosome, then I know why people call me handsome.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Chinese: Me not come to work, me sick. Boss: When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it. Later Chinese called back: It worked. Me better. You got nice house!  
 -  Unknown
  

  Sex is like a gas station, sometimes you get full service, sometimes you gotta ask for service and sometimes you have to be happy with self service!  
 -  Unknown
  

  If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...  
 -  Unknown
  

  When sex started becoming easier to get, love started becoming harder to find.  
 -  Unknown
  

  I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.  
 -  Unknown
  

  H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Sex is like high school...you miss a period and you're in trouble.  
 -  Unknown
  

  Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Me? I use coupons to get pizza...  
 -  Unknown